Aching Heart

Aching Heart

• 11.04.2015

We started off as close friends, why can't we maintain that spark in this relationship? Now you are nothing more than a stranger to me, and i am sure you too feel the same.

I'm not usually the kind to share about my love life problems but can't help but to feel my heart aching everyday thinking about what is to become of this relationship of mine? Another toxicated one like the last? There is so many things i would like to say but can't seem to find the right time nor words to say, that is one of the reasons why i try to avoid relationships. Because everyone just gets hurt in the end, not all get their so called happy ending bullshit.

Maybe i ask and expect too much from him but couldn't return the favor, but is this what relationships are all about, both trying not to owe each other?

If that's the case, everyone would be owing their other halves their entire life already which doesn't make any sense to be that calculative.

Guess, this is what's happening now.

All i wanted was for you to hold me like you once did, tell me you miss me like you always do before we started this relationship and tell me that you love me. But all those things had obviously faded over time spent together that we started to take each other's presence for granted.

My only advice to men out there who are looking to start a relationship, please don't fool the girl you want to make your partner with the sweet talk & actions if you can't bother to continue with all those attention you showered the girl with, when you first start to woo her.

It hurts alot falling for those actions we thought were sincere, but knowing later they were all fakes just to catch our attention. Don't promise a girl things you can't fulfill like giving her happiness.

Makes me wonder why can't we all just be sincere with ourselves, why do we need to be superficial to impress one another?

It's really tiring to hold up a facade everyday of your life especially in a relationship, but eventually there comes a time you too will tell yourself you had enough.

Everyone of us had those moments, to yearn for acceptance but i gave up all those childish crap long time ago when all my past relationships failed.  

Don't shower a girl with so much attention, if you weren't the type who likes doing so from the start.

If she isn't someone you are willing to give your time to, then don't bother wasting hers as well. Because eventually all superficial things with start to unravel, showing their original flaws by then it's too late to save anything.

At this point it's not about compromising anymore, it's about being clear headed before jumping into a relationship.

I am no expert in this field but really, years or harsh experiences has thought me one thing:-

"Never give yourself wholeheartedly to a man who is not going to make you his life partner."

If you do, at the end of the day you'll just end up breaking more than you can possibly heal and relationship scars don't exactly go away. Even if you had com to terms with them, there are days it will still haunt you.

I hate wasting time on something that won't work, seriously no rational person would invest on a project that's gonna flop eventually. But the inner child of me had this feeling called "Hope" which destroys every belief i had about giving chances to failed life choices.

Hope is a curse, it gives us so much to hold on to, that things will work out eventually but most of the time it rewards us nothing but disappointments.

The fighting just gets worst every single time, our problems are never exactly resolved nor our minds are given any peace. And hence it just carries forth, making each argument worst than before.

Seriously, i ask all of you: "Doesn't this get tiring if it was you encountering this endlessly in your relationship?"

And all this shit in the first year of our relationship, hard to imagine more years to come if this has to go on. But part of me finds it so hard to just let go.

The other part of me tells me to just leave all this behind and go out there, away from my comfort zone. Go explore the world and meet new people, for all you know our soulmate is found on the road instead of home. It's just we are too scared to leave the nest.

And i am trying hard to find that ONE REASON.

Tempted to insert Hooberstank's The Reason song here now lol wtf.

And it doesn't help with people boasting about their perfect relationship, i find that kind of annoying really. Not envying them or anything, it's just that feeling of people rubbing dirt into your face even though they know you hate it.

There, i've said (typed) it all out. These words might never be heard coming from my mouth, because most of the time i just couldn't find the right words to describe my feelings at that point of time being in fit of anger and sadness but at least i could now pen down my thoughts sadly behind the computer in the darkness of my room.

Maybe i should go back to being a hermit, lock myself in and ignore everyone else in this world (don't give a F*ck), let everything burn on it's own.

I am not going to hear the usual retarded advises, where people around tell you that you deserve to be treated better than your current relationship and all but here's a reality card to burst your bubble.

No one deserves to be treated better by anyone but your own self, men will never know what women needs unless you TELL them straight to the face.

They are stupid that way, admit that guys.

But even after doing so, he still doesn't get the message then it's better to just move on as this relationship is going nowhere, guess that is what's happening in my life right now. Sigh.

Conclusion: 

I am just tired. So very tired..of all these nonsense.

And i am plain unfortunate with my love life, i should just keep a dog & cat as a life companion instead.

For once i wish this was real.

With A Disappointed Heart,