I'm Expecting...

I'm Expecting...

• 6.30.2016

Well, from that title i am sure it's pretty obvious that you guys can figure out the rest of it already, yes i am expecting a huge change in my life and i am not even sure i'm ready for this or not.

But that's life, one can never be "actually" really ready till it happens, it's the same goes for athletes who train for months just for one competition but who knows it might get cancelled or they might even get an injury despite being careful in their training sessions.

What i am trying to say is life just messes with you or a more cruder version - life f*cks you over whether you like it or not.

Someone my age that is soon to be responsible for more things than i can imagine, makes me wonder how can i cope with all this. Will i be able to mentally prepare myself to what's coming or will i give in and break down all over again just like back then when i was waiting to be thrown into a mental hospital because i couldn't live with myself.

Sounds pretty dramatic, but mental issues isn't something to toy with and ignore (learned that the hard way), if you do have a family history of it or suspect that you might be having one, best to get it checked rather than brush it off till it's too late. Not all requires medications, it's just usually the severe cases that needs a slight "assistance", most cases just need a person to hear out their problems or even offer them some practical word of advice. Overall i still hate talking to strangers, so that's why i quit my therapy halfway before i was even well enough to stop my medication. Going cold turkey of Prozacs isn't such a good idea, don't ever try that.

Before i go further into this post, just gonna finally wish myself Happy Birthday. How old?

God only knows (and my mom, IF she does keep track lol), don't usually like being reminded that im getting older yet not really achieving anything in life yet so getting a reminder from people around me just adds on to the pressure. Feel seriously worthless at this point, i'm put on earth for XX years but couldn't even do anything worthwhile except complain about how unlucky i am to get all kinds of misfortunes slapped to my face. Typical human. Oh well.

Also was supposed to be in Japan right now for a week to celebrate my single-hood and go up to Hakone to pray but guess that is not going to happen anytime soon due to financial instability all over again. Sigh. Someone please sponsor me go *ugly sobs* T^T

Word of advice, don't bother asking girls their age because they are never willing to give you an exact number unless they are below 20 (still young & happy) lol.

So what am i really specifically expecting aside from a huge life change?

I came across this article from Huffingpost about a month ago and shared it on my personal Facebook page, it's called "Mind Your Own Womb- by Nadirah Angail"

It hit me really hard after what i've been through for the past few weeks of being in a dilemma of this most important decision making in my entire life. Yes, it's even more important than my studies because the outcome after this will be my future from now on.

Everyone has a say in someone else's life because they are humans who thinks they are entitled to give opinions without knowing the actual circumstances like my previous rant which emphasis alot on these kind of people who act like they know every single jack going on with your life but actually not. It's really annoying that a stranger or just anyone else starts judging you based on THEIR assumptions.

Get your facts and ego straight first before trying to be a smart ass in anyone else's life. 

That my friend, is a word of advice from dear ol' Arisa lol wtf.

True enough that we don't always know what is going on in a friend or family member's life but we do try to offer our sincere help by being there for them in times of need. Except giving snide remarks or unwanted advises, then you are better off not helping out at all because you are clearly here just to make yourself feel better by comparing yourself to others who are in a current pathetic & vulnerable state. I have my fair share of personal stories that i choose to keep them all to myself rather than pouring them out on my blog (kinda selective) but this topic is something obvious (getting fatter & bigger) that i can't hide so might as well just do a public announcement and get over it.

I am not asking for any sympathy or anything of sorts, just maybe some understanding and respect that what i have decided here is my choice and life alone. So others can't interfere and tell me what i should and should not do with my life, because why should you stick your nose into someone else's business in the first place?

Just get the memo and move along.

Sigh..here comes the hardest part, gonna brace myself first.

......

......

15 weeks and growing 

and no fancy "concept" photos like everyone else (hipster wannabes)

when everything is on self timer mode for me lol wtf.

I've decided to be a single mother-to-be and to me on this very birthday i have finally found my long lost twin which is now growing within me.  As a child i've always felt that part of me feels missing, incomplete but i am not sure why. I can't tell if it's a he or a she yet at this early stage but whatever it is i'll promise to cherish it no matter how difficult all the obstacles may be.

All i hope is that this child will one day grow up to understand all the things i did, the mistakes i've made in the past is something that has made who we are today and not something to regret about.

This year 2016 alone i have gone through so many blowns to the head, every single time i tried to pick myself back up from the dirt and go on with life, another one comes crashing in even before i could even recover from the previous one.

I've lost so many important things in life, like my best friend, my partner and a few others along the way, my only feeling right now is FEAR.

Fear of what is going to happen from now on, how am i going to handle this all alone but i do try to tell myself everyday that i've survived the wild jungle before i was even 20, at the age of 15 i was already working and earning. So i will always try to find someway to survive, that what we humans are capable of, adapting. 

It is kinda sad for me to see so many acquaintances and some friends following their life as planned, graduate- get a job- marry- have kids. But somehow my life is never as smooth sailing as that, how i wish for that but right now it's a little too late to wish for anything already.

I am so envious of those who aren't married but yet expecting a miracle together and welcoming it to the world with open arms rather than one just walking away like how mine did.

Maybe this is a sign that things between us were never ever going to work out in the first place and how terrible it would have been if he were to stay on and raise this child reluctantly.

I would rather do it on my own, even if i have to die trying. 

Do regret this?

In a way Yes and No but what's done is done and no use crying over spilled milk. Like every girl who has dreamed that one day she'll find "the one" whom she wants to spend the rest of her life with, wear a white dress and bear his child. It would be a lie to say i don't wish for those but guess fate never allowed me to enjoy such of life's luxuries.

By now there would be quite a number of you already judging me harshly (i don't blame you guys) especially those who "looked up" to me as an inspiration & influential person but now have their dreams crushed. I am really sorry to disappoint you guys, if that's what you want to hear out of my mouth but this my life and how i choose to live it, so if you think in anyway what i am doing is "wrong" please feel free to leave my pages.

In case you guys were wondering, where do babies come from?
I would say-
"I'm a seahorse", and practice self reproduction. Hope that explanation satisfy your curiosity k?

I call it my "parasite". Parents usually give their fetus a cute nickname and all but to me, Parasite fits best because it's feeding off me making me sick half the time lol. But at least this is an adorable parasite that waved "Hi" on the first proper scan :)

To me nothing has changed really much from this news except from the usual nausea and discomfort of my stomach expanding to make way for the baby's growth.

I actually only discovered it when it was 12 weeks old, by that time it was only a tiny speck with a faint heartbeat. To be honest thought it was my gastric problems taking was keeping me sick since March but looks like it was clearly something else. By the time it reached 14 weeks, i am surprised to see how quickly it developed the formation of a human with arms, legs, fingers, toes and even a nose bridge. All those within 2 weeks, i wasn't a biology student so this kinda fascinated me that i have something growing in me steadily.

At 12 weeks i couldn't bring myself to the idea of terminating it since there was a faint heartbeat and the window for abortion (usual taboo subject) is usually within the first trimester and according to doctor's advice the earlier the better to avoid complications for the mother. If anything beyond 12 weeks you will be referred to backdoor procedures because normal ones wouldn't take up your case unless the fetus is threatening the mother's life or it's in danger itself. Other than that, there is no valid reason to carry out this procedure.

I was asked to terminate it, so i can live a normal life and go about like nothing has happened but part of me knew that i could NEVER forgive myself of this guilt if i were to agree to this. How heartless can some people be just to save their asses, they would do such inhumane things. The offer was indeed tempting, getting it removed and all but unless they can remove my memory as well then i will not let that happen on my watch. Guilt is one of my trigger factors in depression, i know myself well enough that anything that involves guilt will send me back into a withdrawal mood, and it's hard trying to pick myself up from something like that especially when terminating basically means = MURDER. 

I would rather kill myself and the baby rather than the baby alone because what has this innocent child done to deserve such end?

It might seem like a burden to single people like me but, doing that is more unethical but one thing i am grateful for that i wasn't forced to that option because i have every rights over my own body.

Some can live one with this guilt, but some can't because not every human is the same and i am sure it's in any motherly instict is to protect her child first before anything else.

Who's to Blame?

What's the use? We both did what was best by going separate ways. So neither of us is to blame, all i can do i go on living like it's just another day, 

When i decided on this, I've decided not to throw away my humanity just for the sake of having a "normal life". So what if i can never find a guy that would accept me and my child, if that's how it is then so be it. What is "Normal" anyway, since when has anything in my life and the decisions i made is ever normal to begin with?

There are tons of mothers out there who strongly raised their own children single -handedly without the help of any partner.

In the end all that matters now is i'll try my best to stay alive for the sake of this unborn child and work extra harder to provide for it.

All i ask is for God's blessings that things will go smooth from now on, that's is one of the reasons why i wanted to go Japan so badly soon to pray.

So my life isn't going to be about my selfish life anymore, it's soon going to be about my kid and nothing but it, just that i entered this phased earlier than expected without getting to enjoy my little girl life to the fullest lol, like i mentioned multiple times above this post- "life never always go as planned".

Writing this all out, took me more than just my courage. So all i ask is some understanding.

Okay mothers out there, i am here to join your circle of motherhood if you aren't too judgmental on how my child came about lol (if you are, it's wiser for me to avoid you guys too because you are toxic type of people) gonna need some moral support, advises on caring for a baby because some things just can't be simply "googled".
I will save a monthly section on my blog to update my baby's progress, so feel free to drop me comments! :)
Should probably start a donation box or fundraiser link for this child lel, just kidding because i can't bring myself to be that shameless T_T sorry. But if you would like to contribute to help in any way, by all means.

P/S: If you are any other family members (close or extended) who are reading this, please do me a favor and don't spoil my fun of breaking the news to the rest of my direct family members. Let ME do the honor while you guys mind your own business as this is just a memo after all so at least you guys are kept in the loop. Your cooperation is highly appreciated. Thank you.

P/S/S: Direct family members who are reading this, don't go flipping your tables yet and spamming me with your phone calls. Just chill your tits before saying anything stupid.

Bloated whale to be,