Her name was 真理子- Mariko

Her name was 真理子- Mariko

• 2.10.2017

You went too soon my love.

Not sure where to even begin right now or how to collect my feelings that's been all over the place for the past one week. Didn't expect to start my 2017 with such a huge loss.

She was a healthy baby girl who's growing slightly rapidly compared to other babies i know, she's learned how to lift her head when she was only 2 weeks old and started to wriggle/ crawl before she was even 2 months, even spoke her first word "MINE" in such a solid tone. Was waiting for her to grasps 3 syllabus by repeating "I love you" everyday, and she was close to repeating it just before we left for Japan. She was perfect, everything any mother could have asked for their own child and never did any of us expect for her end to arrive so soon.

I am devastated, broken beyond repair for the recent loss of my child whom i never got to see her grow like everyone else. It's just not fair. WHY HER?
I've waited 9 months to meet you but only got to hold you for 2 months, that's not fair.

Why does my child have to be taken away from me like this?

She didn't deserve this, i would gladly give my life up so that she could go on living but the universe doesn't work that way, it fucks with us especially when you least expect it.

No parent deserve to go through this pain of having to bury their own child, no one. Even the biggest asshole in this world shouldn't have to.

She was only an infant, just passed 2 months and we were looking forward to many more years to come together, i also had so many mother and daughter plans planned out for us but now it's all useless because Mariko is gone.

I do not blame Japan because she died there or anyone else but myself, none of you can fathom my grief and regrets right now, how i wish i was a better mother to this beautiful child i was blessed with, my daily complaints and rants are things i wish i could take back every single one of them because i should know better that she was just a baby and this is what i signed up for when i decided to carry her till full term last year.

Maybe i am not used to expressing my love (typical asian parents) like how we always see them in those stereotype family movies, but deep down i love Mariko with all my heart and i would give anything in this world to have another chance of being her mother all over again. Anything at all.

But we all know that's not even possible, in life we are given a single chance to make the most important decisions that would impact our lives forever and there's no turning back the clock.

My darling baby girl was the only thing in this world i ask for, a life companion that i could nurture to not repeat my mistakes and be a better person in life to make the world a better place, touch the lives of others that needs it but she didn't get that chance.

She was conceived in spring, born in autumn and went away in winter (節分), many of you knew how her father walked away from our lives which i am fine with it as i didn't want a useless guy to raise this child anyway, and up to the day she died he did not even bother to take any initiative to come see her at her last moments and all he could say was "i'm lost". It made me so angry that how someone so heartless exist at all, but maybe he was right all along that his family line will end with him. It's the exact words right out of his own mouth, his own family curse that the males are unable to produce offsprings to carry out their surname and i hope it stays that way or it would be another generation of assholes.

Her name was Mariko, i purposely picked this name for her as it carries a deep meaning which i believe will eventually play a role in her life as she grows up.

Her name in kanji "真理子" is a combination of "truth" & "child" because she was the living truth, the unwanted daughter of a man who used to be the love of my life whom i waited 6 long years to be with but everything went south.

But i still wanted her, i truly did. She's was everything i needed in this world, and that sounds rather selfish of me as well to bring an innocent child into this cruel world for my own selfish needs. I gave her my surname "chow" since i am the one bringing her up but it wasn't really approved by her paternal grandmother who only found out about her much later which was rather unfortunate for her as she own son didn't even tell her about Mariko's existence or about our mutual decision to go separate ways. If she did not ask about the child, think all of us could go on living like nothing has happened but one can never run away from a mother's instinct, all of us should know that by now that we can never hide anything from the woman who carried us in their womb for 9 months, bear the pain of child birth and raise us till we are fit to leave the nest.

As scary as that sounds, this is exactly what makes mothers an amazing species on earth.

If only we could see what was coming, if only.
Life is cruel, life is unfair but that's the fact we all have to learn to accept in order to exist in this world. We constantly question the universe (or God) why our paths doesn't unfolds the way we expect them to, no matter how hard we try to control things so things are beyond our control like life and death.
Honestly, i am sincerely tired...worn to the bone and not sure if i can find the will to go on living anymore even if everyone tells me i have to for the both of us. Being in my shoes, i've experienced so many loss at this age, it's really gets to me. Why not me to go first instead, what's my purpose here on earth except to suffer like this. I'm not saying this out of self pity but really, why does everything seem to leave me one way or another. Loss of jobs, loss of opportunities, loss of loved ones like my ex partner and child, doubt it would end here.
I can handle anything because i am used to it by now but the one thing i can't handle is the demise of my own flesh and blood, my precious baby who didn't get to even grow up.

And what makes it even more frustrating is after all i've been put through in Japan, being separated away from my daughter the moment they took out her life support and they cut her open without my consent, not allowing me her to hug her goodbye during her last moments that night, left waiting anxiously for days just for a medical report that says "SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME- SIDS".
No explanations otherwise.

How is that fair that my daughter died without any cause, according to the blood test she was apparently developing a cold but it wasn't enough to harm her at all. God just decided to take her back that night without warning me. I remember well that i used to scoff at the current generation of mothers for being to overly paranoid about SIDS and thinking letting their child sleep on their belly would cause them to suffocate which leads to SIDS but let me share with you this first hand, no matter how careful you are if God wants to take your child away, he would do it like how he did to my Mariko. So best to just accept this possibility, it's something beyond our control.

SIDS does not have an exact explanation because there isn't much research being carried out on what causes babies below the age of 1 to be more prone to this, there's just so many variables which can never satisfy my need to know of the exact answer why my baby died.
But i NEED to know.

Her autopsy results shows that she did not choke NOR suffocate, she just stopped breathing and her brain shut down, i still can't accept the fact because she was so healthy and couple hours before we went to bed she was laughing and being her cheerful self even after i scolded her for making a massive poop bomb that stained my white skirt while we were at the setsubun.
And when she cried in the middle of the night, i just groggily woke up to feed her on one breast while i dozed off afterwards just to wake up an hour later to find her pale and not breathing.

Can't help blaming myself that it's because of me God took her away as my punishment for not being a good mother, or if i hadn't brought her along to Japan with me probably she might still be alive right now. There's just so much pain, thinking about "WHAT IFs", I know that i have to accept the fact that she has gone back to God but deep down i can't, it's just not fair.
Haven't i suffered enough already Lord, why do you still do this to me? What are you trying to teach me? I am so sick and tired of having to play this game of life which always turn out to be nothing but pain and suffering. Unlikely i would get an answer as well..sigh.

Seeing my other friends and people who had their child the same year as Mariko, growing up so well makes me so envious that my daughter's life was robbed of that opportunity.
If any mother out there that's reading this post about #mylilparasite, please do cherish every moment with your child because you'll never know when it would be your last.
I know i have repeated this line many times but i will repeat it over and over again until i draw my very last breath because i want my lil parasite to know that i would give anything in this world to see her and be her mother again.

If you are ever reborn again in this life or the next as someone else's child, promise me that you'll find me, please Mariko mama misses you so so much and i am hurting like mad.

Waking up everyday without your cries makes my heart feel so empty, it's like my life purpose has gone together with you, i find it so difficult to go on living at this point because you are not here by my side. That sense of loss that can never be comforted ever because you were so young, a whole bright future waiting ahead and you never even got the chance to read the letter i wrote for you on your birth date which you are supposed to when you grow up.
Mama never got a chance to make more beautiful clothes for you or shower you with everything you needed or wanted. Worst of all, mama never got to say "goodbye" properly before your passing.
See how much mama is filled with regrets my lil parasite? It breaks my heart so much to go on living like this that i do not want to live anymore. Please allow me to join you as well, i need to be relieved of this pain, the pain that someone like your papa can never understand.
But we must forgive him because this is the "unfortunate fate" he has chosen to live with, yes i would gladly kill him but that wouldn't bring you back so the only thing i can do now for us is to find a way join you someday.

I know you are in a much better place right now, a place where you can truly call it paradise and where you don't have to grow up and suffer like the rest of us here on earth and i should be happy for you but right now i'm just hurting so much. I am blinded by grief and i'm not sure how long this will last. How can i live for the both of us, mama is too tired and sad.
No amount of prayer can comfort me right now except hugging your clothes that still has your scent, and really you do smell abit like papa.
Hope you are enjoying heaven my darling, where endless supply of milk shall fill your little tummy and please behave while mama isn't around ok?
For now mama will her best to be strong (not sure if it's even possible), pay off whatever debts we have from this unfortunate ordeal as it's not fair for me to go without settling what is needed first.

At least you got to see abit of Japan especially Kyoto, mama's favorite prefecture because it's rich with history and nature, was so looking forward to bring you back on your 1st birthday to see the autumn foliage but i am sure you'll get a better view from up there.
Japan is indeed a beautiful country but it's expensive to foreigners like us when it comes to medical bills, it was my mistake for not getting you an insurance before we traveled so this is the expensive lesson i have to pay for out of my own pocket. Also if it weren't for your god parents who rushed down from Tokyo to Kyoto that day canceling their flight, think i would have done something stupid like killing myself before bringing you back to Malaysia.
They are true friends indeed, no amount of words can express our gratitude for them for helping us in this time of need from helping me to speak on my behalf at the hospital, police station and embassy, without them we wouldn't even be home in Malaysia right now.
Our gratitude also goes out to Taku-san for calling the ambulance when mama panicked that night, may god bless his kind soul and if fate allows it, i'll try to find him and thank him properly in person someday.

I'm so sorry for having those thoughts at that point of time because mama was just so lost, scared and lonely without you Mariko. But it isn't fair to your grandmother as well to handle all of this at her old age, as much as i want to be selfish to end my own life but i have to be responsible to handle your necessary documents first before anything else or you won't be able to come back home to Malaysia and that's my duty as your mother.
I am sorry that mama won't be able to hold for you a proper funeral or bury you because your medical bills and cremation in Japan already left me in debt which i need to pay off with every job i can find right now. Maybe someday when i finally have enough, i'll hold you one ok?
For now let us clear our debts first before taking any other steps, mama isn't angry with anyone but herself, so don't worry about anything my lil parasite, mama will handle it.

Thank you Suzuki-san for capturing our final moments together

It's beautiful, i shall cherish this photo forever.

Just want you to know how painful it was for me to make that decision to cremate you in a foreign land before the rest of your family members get to see you one last time but that was the most logical decision to make as bringing your body back to Malaysia alone costs 1000,000yen.
At least the weather was beautiful that day,  we got snow and rays of sunshine, shining upon you as we entered the crematorium to send you off, it's a rare combination but universe knows that you are special my love.
Even your bones couldn't turn to ashes, it amazes everyone that 80% of your bones are still in good condition when we picked them up. Sometimes i even wonder what have i given birth to and the only best answer to fit that question would be- "You are a special kind of baby".
And i am truly honored to be your mother even if it's for a short while, if only it could be longer.
You survived strong medication that could have easily killed you, turned out perfect despite being exposed to radiation, you are really a strong girl.

Thank you for coming into my life #mylilparasite
You have opened my eyes to many things, you shown me that i am capable of going beyond my limits and nothing can hold me back, taught me how to be a mother, learn about patience (still learning), brought me closer to my family, showed me who my true friends really are and i feel it's my duty now to continue writing about you though your physical body is no longer with us but the world shall know your name as "The Girl Who Never Got To Grow Up".

Who knows hopefully one day your papa will come to his senses as well (probably on his deathbed only). This is both our burden to carry to our grave, because both of us made you.

I am truly blessed, thank you and good night my darling daughter.

You'll always be my one and only child.

Also thank you everyone for loving Mariko.

Here's your favorite song dedicated to you, i remember your beautiful smiles whenever i sang this song. You are the only person on earth who thinks i sound good :')

p/s: Mama will work extra hard to master Japanese language this year so i can write your story in both languages.

Missing you dearly, your Mama