LilParasiteTales | たんじょうびおめでとう

LilParasiteTales | たんじょうびおめでとう

• 11.19.2017

I had a dream of you almost 2 weeks ago my darling that left me in tears throughout the whole day. Not sure of its significance but I only remember parts of it vaguely. Like how there were weird markings on your forehead that I couldn't read not sure if it was kanji (probably having nightmares from too much kanji studies) or some random markings. You were sleeping peacefully as I held you, slightly a big more bigger from the day you left me but you look peaceful. Was hoping you would wake up and play with me but it was time for me to come back into this world (stupid alarm).

 
I would have stayed longer just to spend more time with you, though I know it wouldn't replace all those lost time between us because we are no longer sharing the same realm and time anymore. What might seem like a few seconds for you would probably be hours on my side that's why we grow old faster. Was expecting you to be a big girl by now because you have just turned 1 years old today but I forgot that angels don't age, your lives are eternal up there :)

After so long of not hearing from you I was afraid you abandoned mama for good and I wasn't ready to let go yet. Was hoping to hold on to your memory a little while longer but I know that you wouldn't want to see mama unhappy forever, rest assured that mama is trying her best to move on just slowly.
Want you to also know that I'm over your idiot papa, I've forgiven him and let go of what he did, yes the scars still reminds me occasionally but it shouldn't be the reason why my life I stagnant. It's just me who chose to shut everyone out because of the hurt.

Probably you should pay him a visit someday or by all means haunt him because you shall have my blessing to do so.
When you left a single soft grey baby feather by the window I was convinced that you came to visit me because the last 2 times was the same, every dream of you followed with a single grey baby feather by the window. It was a sign, I might sound a lil tad insane to those who are reading this post but I know that I'm not. The grief did not take away my sanity, instead it gave me an eternal longing which hurts more than being in a looney bin.

I know for a fact that you can't read this blog post of mine, so why bother writing right? Probably just a habit of mama's whenever she has too much things on her mind, writing is a way for me to unload and relax. Also it's for pea brain me to read back in the future, to see how far I've gone in life to be where I am today whenever I'm in doubt about the choices I've made. All this experiences are never a regret for me because it made me stronger, wiser, patient and more forgiving. All those qualities I never thought I was capable of having because I'm a terrible human being to begin with, but I'm trying my best everyday to be a better person.

So mama has brought us back to Japan for your birthday because that was the last promise I made to you before you left, remember back at fushimi Inari taisha when mama was struggling to hike up while you laughed at my wheezing face. Cheeky girl aren't ya, like to see mama suffering but your laughs always made things worthwhile.
On your first birthday we shall hike up the mountain together to pray, and for every birthday to come we shall continue doing it. At this point it does feel that Kyoto is our 2nd home just that we don't have a permanent residence card lol.

Here I am today fulfilling that promise, also it happens to be the peak of Autumn so the view must be very pretty right now, in a way you picked a perfect day to be born when Japan is filled with beautiful Autumn foliage, mama has always wanted to see it and you gave me a reason to come here every year together with you. Thank you Mariko.

Anyway wish me all the best hiking up because of my poor stamina, but I will reach the top like how I've did once before after fighting with your papa at the very same mountain 2 years ago and how we went separate ways during the hike. It was a struggle (the air is thinner up there and mama is asthmatic) but a promise is a promise and I'm not going to break it. Just watch over mama k, make sure I'm safe throughout this trip :)

Oh, speaking about Japan, mama has also been putting in more hours into Japanese language studies, it isn't easy because I'm not a smart person but slowly I'll get there!
Even wrote this for you, took me 1 hour for such a short paragraph but it was practice for me, need to use it more frequently or else I'll easily forget it all over again. Also Miwa sensei was kind enough to help mama check on the grammar part lol!
It goes something like this:

"ね、真理子ちゃん、元気ですか？ ママはとてもさみしいです。 今日はあなたはのたんじょうびでしょう。 たんじょうびおめでとう、私のプレシャス娘！ 早いわね、もう一年が過ぎ去りました。あなたは今1歳です。ママは 毎日、日本語を勉強しています。でもまだ 下手です。ごめんなさいね。真理子、私たちの約束をおぼえてる？毎年、あなたのたんじょうびに、私たちは日本に戻ってくるのよ。"

Like I said, it's short but I'll continue to improve more so I can write more longer and meaningful posts for you in the future :)
I might be moving on with my life but doesn't mean mama has completely forgotten about you as well, you'll always be no.1 in my heart before anything else. Without you I wouldn't be here today, writing this much in Japanese as well, you inspire me to be better in every way.

I love you very much, Happy birthday my dearest precious daughter and good night.

P/s: can't believe I typed out this entire blog post on my phone in Kansai airport.

XOXO,