Dear Diary | New Chapter

Dear Diary | New Chapter

• 4.23.2018

Been quiet about my private life for quite some time now because I needed a break from sharing. I only posted when I felt like it but mostly as a distraction away from what I'm actually focusing on.

Healing and growing.

I've kept to myself (despite the occasional work rants and crazy Malaysian drivers) that even my family and old friends don't really know what's going on in my life as well. It was my choice and I wanted to do it within my own pace. Except a handful whom I've recently told.

You guys have been with me for a very long time, following blog through my ups and downs, and it's only fair that I should keep you guys in the loop too.
And this post is going to be a long one and as I'm typing, I'm also wondering if I should have made this into a full fledged blog post instead. Decisions..Decisions.

This is a new section in my blog to catalog down bits and pieces of my personal life, not where i last left off but a beginning of a new chapter.


Here it goes..


To the man who did not get down on one knee because he knew I would be embarrassed if he did it publicly especially at a theme park in front of thousands of people, tears streamed down my face as I write you this post and hope that one day you could fully understand my words that may seem foreign to you right now. I would have wrote it in your language to make things easier for you but instead I chose to make it a little more challenging because the road ahead of us will be as well and this is just the beginning.

Thank you for all you have done, your patience and determination to understand me, accepting every part of my past isn't easy but yet you wholeheartedly welcomed me into your life. I still remembered our conversation when we first met and you asked for my Instagram account so we could keep in touch, i gave it to you mindlessly and doubt we'll ever meet again after this because i'm really bad at keeping in touch with people and i don't have any intentions of dating because it scar i had was rather deep and it still hurts.

And you read the my profile description " 娘の名前は真理子です" (My daughter's name is Mariko) and asked me about her.

I don't usually talk to strangers about her from my passed experiences most didn't know how to even react to such information so it's best not to mention it at all.


When our friend had to explain to you about it because i didn't know how to phrase it, i was expecting for the conversation to just drop there and waited for the awkward silence which usually follows after one knew about what happened to my daughter. Instead your eyes got teary and asked me more about her, i was touched because you did not judge me for talking about her as if she was still alive which to me she is.

Till today for those who don't know my story asks about her and i'll tell them that she's fine and turning 2 this year, kids they grow up so fast.

Some might find it uncomfortable because how could i speak of the dead as if they are alive?

"Our loved ones are never truly gone", those whom have experienced similar losses would understand what i mean. It's only their physical body returned to ash exactly where they came from but their soul and memory lives on as long we still remember them.

Because of your compassion for strangers like me, i found it rather amusing. 

Not every human would react and think the way you would, probably a handful but what are the odds. Amusing, but not enough to make me want to even think of giving it a chance, just keep it at acquaintance level because why bother since i know that there's alot of flaws in me that i have yet to improve first. I've been lonely for a very long time and nothing can fill that void inside of me but i learned to cope with it by filling my days with work and traveling for self discovery purposes. 

After i left Japan, to go back to my boring life without any expectations, we somehow kept in touch and one day you told me that you would like to visit me in Malaysia, a country which you have never heard prior to meeting me. It's funny how people know about Thailand and Singapore but not Malaysia (we are larger on the map than SG ya'll!), don't worry you aren't the first clueless person i've met, there are plenty along my travels who were as clueless as you were too.

Your first overseas flight after 9 years since you came back from working in New York. Could imagine how you struggled there without any basic English knowledge unlike now. 

I spent many sleepless nights wondering if you would love or hate my country or whether i'm good enough to be your guide here but thinking back all those worries were just trifle matters, a good memory we could look back and laugh because of where we are today thanks to those moments. 

Those months spent apart allowed me to focus on my Japanese language classes and passed my exams with flying colors but i still definitely suck at the "Output speech section" and it's something i gotta work on.

Side note: I do admire those who are able to have a long distance yet strong relationship, it takes alot of trust to hold on to each other especially when you need emotional support. That's when I realized that you aren't supposed to rely on anyone 100% for comfort, you'll need to be strong for yourself before you can actually be strong for others. A relationship isn't a relationship unless both are able to float their own boats without sinking, a choice of 2 capable people coming together embark on a new adventure together.

But it's a miracle how "a chicken talking to a duck (this is called an Idiom)" situation was the least of our problems because you were always trying your best to keep up with my speed, and i do apologize that i sound like a shinkansen (bullet train) whenever i speak in English, Bahasa Melayu or Mandarin. It's similar how you sound like whenever you speak your mother tongue as well, probably i could only catch like 50% of the content unless you slow down abit. It' something we both can work on together, and I'm sorry that you'll be stuck with me teaching you English for the rest of your life. I do hope you know what you signed up for.

I know how much you struggled to write your proposal speech on the back of that Disneyland Postcard which you told me that you were going to send to your mother lol. I understood every word though partial of it was badly translated on google, probably it could have sounded more romantic (i know this isn't your forte)  but don't worry i felt your efforts and emotions which brought me to tears over and over again whenever i read it, i'll forever hold it close to my heart though you might cringe at your English when you reread it again near future (lol).

Sorry, I'm not crying because i'm sad or anything, it's tears of happiness as i'm an emotional person who doesn't expresses it well through speech but more through written instead, at least i could be long winded here without anyone yawning. Can't imagine saying all these things to a person face to face, i would have probably lost them at the first paragraph already. 

I'm sorry if i have made you felt insecure when i told you about my ex, well..there were some similarities but always remember that it wasn't the surface that made me open my heart to you in the first place. It was your generous and kind heart that did. 

When i look at you, it's for who you are, not a replacement.

Don't feel bad about the ring because having an engagement ring isn't exactly that important as well, maybe you felt pressured by society's standards that it's something necessary because like we agreed on "things are just things", it's not something that can be bound to us for eternity. 

And also with my bony fingers doubt you'll be able to find anything that fits. You asking me to be your wife alone is more than enough for me, i'm sincerely happy so thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

The proposal might be simple, no fancy set ups, cliche candlelight dinner, staged poses just for Instagram worthy photos (in fact i'm glad there were none of those) except a simple outing just between us, that's more than enough for me.

My only wish now is to be a good wife to you, supporting you in any way i can whether its work or household, whatever obstacle may come our way i'll promise to fight and never give up on you, in return i hope you'll do that same as well because no relationship can work without using both hands. 

And most of all, thank you for accepting Mariko like your own daughter. 

ほんまにおおきに

Just so you know when i said "yes", i knew what i had to sacrifice alot on my part..the life i built here in Malaysia for the past 2.5 decades, leaving my family, my job, my friends just to start a new life with you and i won't deny that i'm actually nervous and afraid because we don't know what the future holds.

I don't want to regret anything as i've have tons of them in the past, so many missed opportunities due to insecurities but with you i am willing to take a leap of faith. 

Now let's make a bet and see how long did it take you to read this entire post without clicking google translate lol.

Your Wife,